let's move forward now

Yesterday I feel as though I regressed as a human. In a lot of ways recently I've been doing just the opposite, actually in almost every area of my life. Yesterday, however, was awful in the sense that I could feel myself regressing, and I recognized it, but I did nothing to change it. One thing that I hate (really do hate) about myself is how greatly my personality changes around certain people. I've had this problem for as long as I remember. Sometimes I think I'm just a parasite, attaching myself onto the beliefs and values of the certain people surrounding me just to create a connection with them even, if it doesn't truly exist. It makes me sad that I do this. Although I am confident that not all my relationships are like this, for the ones that are it is like there is no stopping me. While at Annika's yesterday I must have gossiped for 4 straight hours, and the entirety of this time I could feel disappointment growing within me because making judgments and gossiping are both things that I usually never do and frankly think are dumb and benefit nobody. But I dove right in as if my life depended on it. As if I was thriving on this trivial connection we were sharing about whose baby is whose or who has gotten fat in college. It was just awful. The worst part is that I know just why I do it too: fear. I mold myself into a person I think others will like out of the fear that who I truly am will never be good enough. It's like I never give it a chance because I'm so fucking hard on myself. My biggest fears are that I'm not interesting enough, pretty enough, passionate enough, smart enough or fun enough so I'll attach onto anything that makes me feel more of any of these. Sometimes it gets even worse an I just completely shut down. Give up. Keep quiet. Disappear in the background. Watch others being big and loud jealously because I am just not there. I want to be, and a lot of the times I can be especially at home around my closest friends, but so much hurt and doubt exists within me still. Let my happiness conquer!