I think that it is quite possible that I am going to have a tantrum in a half an hour. Michela always talks about this and I never truly understood. You see, Michela has really bad back pain, and when it gets to a certain point she wails her body into a fetal position, cries and screams and afterwards feels somewhat better. It's like all the pain is focused into a tiny straw, like the ones used to stir coffee. It builds and builds slowly, creeping up the straw until finally someone just takes a big breath and blows it all out. I can feel the tension in my body building similarly to the way it would in a stirrer. Right now I can feel it so much near my lungs and heart. Like a someone is pressing on them slightly, but the feeling is less constant than touch. It makes it hard to breathe. It's not painful but you feel it and the more you think about it the more apparent it becomes.

I wonder if there are a combination of things that are making me feel so much tension. The main contributor I know is my inability to shift my leg in any direction. It's like my foot is chained to the ground and my leg has been plastered in one position. I can't even remember if my leg hurts anymore because it feels unnatural to even have a leg. Am I losing it? Not my leg .. my mind ....

The spell check isn't working for some reason. I have an itchy bug bite on my pinky toe. Nothing is satisfying me right now. I don't even mean like physical satisfaction or satisfaction from something tasty. What I am writing isn't right. I want to say something different. But I don't know what. Does this even have a point? Am I making any sense? Is this even interesting? or can no one relate to my temporary psychotic mindset ...

Today on the way home while Kathryn was driving the sky was really big and the clouds around the moon were lit very prettily, even though the pattern of the clouds reminded me of this ugly dress my mom kept picking out at TjMaxx today for graduation. I finally picked out a nice one though. I told Kathryn that I needed to talk to her about something in the car, but all I really needed to tell her was that I wanted to talk. I really had nothing to talk about. But something is bothering me I think. Is it possible to have a problem with not having any problems at all?

I need something to happen. I don't know what. I feel void from any understandable emotion and this never happens to me. Am I being completely dramatic? I'm usually not like this.

I think my leg may be driving me insane. Could not having an Ipod and not listening to music be doing this to me?



Sleeeeep.



I'm rambling on rather self consciously while I'm stirring these condiments into my tea and I think I'm so lame, I bet I think this song is about me .. don't I? .. don't I? don't I?