Well, here I am at 3:38, awake, not by choice nor with much pleasure taken in the fact that this has been the worst night's sleep I've had while not in the company of others. I'm not positive why I can't sleep for I am in all respects tired, even my arms are aching with exhaustion. Which doesn't quite make sense since I have been the least physically active this whole summer than I have ever been in my life. My guess is the heat that is keeping me awake. My room is the only one in the house without a air conditioner or even a fan. Both windows in my bedroom are open, but the air outside, although significantly cooler than it was while the sun was out, remains stale and stationary offering no breeze or respite whatsoever from the humidity. So, it is with the utmost aggravation that I'm writing to you. Never have I wanted to sleep so badly, but by some unnamed force am laying restless, persecuted with the thought that everyone in surrounding rooms are silently sleeping, unaware of the oppressive sleeplessness engulfing me.

The most bizarre thing happened while I was driving home from Phoebe's tonight. I was making my way down the darkened Main Street of Holden in my Mom's rocket ship of a van, accidentally flashing my high beams at the car in front of me in a lame attempt to turn on the windshield wipers, to do away with the 12 smushed bugs scattered across my vision. It was then when the flashing blue lights came into view around the corner originating from three parked cop cars beside the antique shop next to La Bussola. I slowed down, thinking something along the lines of "Oh shit, someone's busted," a childish sentiment similar to a reaction you might find in a middle school cafeteria when a classmate was sent to the office. I slowed down, and to my surprise I see Justin Hayes in his typical black wife beater and backwards hat sitting along the curb with four cops shining flash lights in his face. I continued along apprehensively and cautiously and almost knowingly saw Katie standing up just a few feet beside him crying, with another two cops interrogating her. Of course I was utterly shocked to see them, but even when I saw the blue lights I had a hint of suspicion that it might have been them...his house is right in that area and knowing Justin's past with the law, and Katie's past .. with Justin.

Imagine this, just two years ago these two people, much more specifically Katie, were the most influential friends that I had. I did everything with Katie, regretfully things that if I were put into a position now I would never dream of doing. Just one example of a "Katie situation," as my ever-knowing parents liked to refer to them as, (which if they had known half of them would have cut her completely out of my life) was when she let me drive her Mom's car. We were at her house and she had told me her Mom could give me a ride home. It was getting late and her Mom had fallen deeply asleep, which was the case a lot of the time, and I knew that if I called my Mom for a ride she would have been pissed. I feared that she would dislike Katie, the only friend I felt had ever truly cared for me. Instead of waking her Mom up, Katie took her keys and decided that she would take me home herself to avoid any problems whatsoever. Katie had only just gotten her license, and her being a complete year older than me meant I hadn't even obtained my permit yet. "Why don't you drive?" she said to me, beginning to sow the seeds of acceptance and excitement throughout my entire being, a common thread in our friendship. If I were to turn down the offer, she would be disappointed, and I strived so badly for her acceptance, that I had in turn accepted what I knew was a horrible idea. I drove down Main Street in Holden, the same way I did tonight, but with guilt swimming throughout my entire being. We made it home safely, my parents were left clueless to the act I had just committed and Katie returned to her house where she found her Mom still asleep on the couch, making it seem as if everything would always be alright. This allowed the acceptance she instilled in me to grow and flourish into what at the time I thought was a true friendship. It took me a while to realize that I wasn't what I had let that infatuation turn me into. I let Katie get the best of me and feared her belittlement if I were to not follow along in her direction. I held so closely onto our friendship because I had been in positions before were I was lonely and an outcast in friendships. That's a whole other story. I could remember even just as an inexperienced 8th grader, I wanted nothing more to avoid loneliness that I sacrificed much of what I thought to be my morals for a place to sit. Eventually that transpired into my lifestyle with Katie, and in other relationships too. I gave and gave so much, and a lot of the times felt as if it would only be good enough if I had some crazy stunt to go along with it. I think now a lot of my guard that I keep up can be attributed to the fear that what I truly am will never be good enough. I've never told anyone any of this, or was ever really aware that I felt this way until right now, but after seeing those cops tonight it made me so thankful that my life had turned completely around. While Katie was chasing boys, I was silently getting good grades and establishing relationships with other people. Over the years I held onto her so tightly, hoping she would show me in the right direction, that eventually I pushed her away. She got sick of me, moved onto to something more adventurous. But instead of sacrificing like I had in the past, I offered myself to the people that I have just recently come to realize have changed my life. Kathryn saw me for what I really was, and has truly helped me so much to realize what it is I really have to offer. Just recently, in the last couple of days even I felt so much love and appreciation for what it really is that I am, not what I have sacrificed. I remember something my Dad said to me a long time ago that has stuck with me over the years. "Never sacrifice your self-worth." If you had asked me what this meant two years ago, I would have slummed it over my shoulders and moved on to the next "Katie situation," never realizing that I was demoting myself and putting myself in harm not only physically but emotionally, my self-worth non-existent. It has taken me a long time to gain respect from myself, and I want to thank everyone who has helped me. You've made my life so much better, and I'm happier now than I have ever been. I've held so much in for so long, dreading that what I felt wasn't validated that I let these things consume me and control me. But here I am, cliches aside, pouring my heart out, confidently knowing that in whatever I do I have so many people by my side, including myself.

Wow... This is not how I thought this blog post would have ended up, but writing that felt better than I could have ever expected... Phew ... It isn't easy peering so deeply into yourself, especially with an audience :)